Just in time
by samanddianefan10
Summary: Set in GFA. Margaret has 24 hours to decide whether or not to let Hawk know how she feels.
1. Chapter 1

**A/n: This is something I started on awhile ago. It takes place during Goodbye, Farewell and Amen. **

Saying goodbye to everyone would be hard enough…Margaret Houlihan realized that the moment she had heard the long awaited words: "This is the sound of peace." It had only been a few days since Hawkeye had been released from the hospital. Now everyone was preparing to leave for home, anxious to rebuild their lives. Margaret wasn't quite sure what to expect once she left the 4077. After much deliberation she'd finally decided to accept a position as charge nurse at Dallas Memorial Hospital. It wasn't what her father wanted her to do, but her mind was made up. But as happy as she was to have settled her career, there was one piece of her life puzzle that was left to be resolved. And that piece was standing less than a foot in front of her, a dark haired surgeon by the name of Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

"Pierce…You up for some company?"

Margaret ran up to her colleague as he walked alone. It was a welcome change of company. She'd been quarreling with Charles a lot lately. Prideful and arrogant, Charles had made it clear to her in no uncertain terms that he did not appreciate her help in landing his new hospital job. All she'd wanted to do was to see that his skill and intelligence be recognized; certainly she realized that his aptitude would speak for itself once hired. Why Charles couldn't get past his male ego and recognize this was beyond her.

At any rate she hadn't had much of a chance to speak with Hawkeye since his release, and she wanted to be certain that he was okay. Margaret had recognized the sign of fear and uncertainty in his eyes when he returned back to work from many a new staff member; she'd just never thought she'd live to see the day to see Hawkeye Pierce lack confidence. Her heart ached for him, though she dared not tell him so.

"Sure." He grinned his boyish smile at her. Everything had happened so fast after his release from the hospital; it would be nice to have a few last minutes with someone who had come to mean so much to him. "Hope you can keep up the pace."

"Can't believe tomorrow we're leaving. I thought we'd never go home!" she stopped when she saw how he flinched at the word home.

" He was going to tell you goodbye, Hawkeye." She said, referring to his best friend in the world who had left. B.J. had left in such a hurry that he hadn't had time to even write Hawkeye a good-bye note. Hawkeye had still been in the hospital and hadn't been informed of B.J.'s discharge.

"I'm sure he was. Just like Trapper was." Hawkeye said. "They were all going to say goodbye. But they couldn't and they didn't. But it doesn't matter now. I'm going home. You're going home. We're all going home. And that's the end of it."

But Margaret knew Hawkeye well enough to know his sarcasm masked deep feelings of hurt. She felt for him and everything he'd been through recently. First he had a nervous breakdown (as if that wasn't bad enough) but then his best friend left without getting the chance to say goodbye. It was breaking her heart to see her friend like this. She held out her hand as if she were going to touch his arm and tried twice to do so.

"You don't understand. He wanted to tell you that he was leaving. He went over to see you when you were…well, he said he tried to tell you. He just couldn't find the right words."

"Hey buddy, I got my orders, I'm leaving would have sufficed. Time to go home now. See ya! I'll write. Nice knowing you. Any of those would have done the trick. Margaret…" his voice cracked with emotion. "He didn't even try."

Margaret stopped in her tracks and touched his arm. "You're not listening to me. He did try to tell you. I don't know how to put this. B.J. was just worried about you- we all were. We all lo- were so worried about you…" she looked away, as if she blurted out something she shouldn't have said. She wasn't one to wear her heart on her sleeves, for sure, but the end of the war had stirred up her emotions. It was the end of an era. And she was standing here saying goodbye to someone she wasn't so sure she was ready to leave.

"He went to see you in the hospital. B.J. was going to tell you then that he was leaving. But he just couldn't find the right words. It's not his fault, and it's not your fault. If you're going to be angry then blame this …"

"I know. You don't have to say it. Blame the war. I know. I've been doing that a lot lately, you could say." He stared off into the sun.

Ever since that day in the O.R. when he accused the nurse of trying to smother a patient, everyone had been worried sick about Hawkeye. Margaret herself had been worrying about him, but for much different reasons than everyone one else. She herself had found herself reevaluating her feelings towards him. Once the thorn in her side, he had clearly become so much more to her. He had always been the clown, the cutup, the tower of strength for those around him. The more she thought of him, the more she found herself thinking of their one night of passion. Soon she began to daydream about kissing him, wondering what it would be like to hold him in her arms. At first she just chalked it up to simply girl fantasy, perhaps a sign of pent-up exhaustion. But with all of the other emotions-worry, compassion, caring…Margaret was starting to see way too many signs to doubt the direction her feelings were leading her. What she was going to do next, however, was a mystery. Could she even talk to Hawkeye, even if she wanted to, in his condition? Oh, this wasn't going to be easy. But there was no time for worrying about these things. Margaret's mind was made up. She just had to talk to the captain.

Margaret spoke up about B.J. "Well he didn't know he was leaving until the last minute. Everything was so sudden. He wanted to tell you. Please don't be angry."

"I'm not."

"So…do you have any plans for when you get back?"

"Not really. Just going to take it easy for a little bit. Not so anxious to test out the old nerve machine if you know what I mean." He sighed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.."

"You didn't do anything." He stared off into the sun. She wondered what he was thinking.

"Anyways…we're at my place. Wanna come in for a drink? Me, you, an open bar…." He grinned as he opened the door. "no time like the present."

"Why you…I'd rather be caught in the pouring down rain than to be caught dead walking into your tent!" she cried indignantly.

"Aha..you just don't want to be caught. If that's the case I can always have Charles play doorman. Whattya say?"

"Oh…I don't know why I even bother with you! I try to be civil with you and you go back to being a despicable uncivilized primate ingrate. "

Margaret stormed off. She knew that she'd overreacted but she couldn't help herself. After all who would Hawkeye Pierce be without some come-on disguised as a compliment? Maybe that was a good sign that he was feeling more like himself. Who knows? She could reason it all she wanted to, but this was no time for logic. She had less than 24 hours to decide whether or not to take a chance and fight for a man who she wasn't sure was capable of giving her what she deserved. Hawkeye was standing there making jokes at her expense when she was ready to finally face her feelings. How dare he! Well if that's the game he wanted to play, let him. Maybe love was just a game to him anyways, and she sure didn't want to be on the losing end of it.


	2. Chapter 2

Finally Margaret made it back to her own tent, in which she proceded to scream. That man had angered her so! Only Benjamin Franklin Pierce could take a perfect moment and distort it into something dirty and haughty. If he had only a clue of the depth of the feelings that she was about to reveal to him, than perhaps he wouldn't have made those awful childish jokes. He wouldn't have invited her into his tent. Rather, she could have had the opportunity to invite him to her own tent. The rules would be different on her turf. Here she could call the shots and know who would be coming and going. Here she knew every object, every article, every fixture-they all belonged to her. She owned them, much as she owned the feelings that she was finally willing to share with a Captain Pierce. In here, perhaps, she could control how much he could have. He couldn't take more than she was willing to give him. She would watch and see just how much he wanted, if he wanted any at all. But it would all be done in the safety of her own environment. Ah yes, safety….you must have a safety plan in place when it comes to dealing with the matters of the heart. Practical, if not altogether romantic. But practicality is good. Romance is fine if you like uncertainty and suspense. But romance can never fix a flat tire. It's best to be practical. Her dad had drilled that in her from the time she was an infant. And what her father hadn't taught her, the army instilled in her. Somewhere along the way Margaret had learned to use both sets of skills. Maybe this time she could get it right.

It's not as if she hadn't tried her practical romantic skills before. There was Frank Burns. For practical purposes, they made the perfect couple. He adored her. They both adored the army. They both shared the same aspirations for their careers. But romance had a say in when Margaret realized that she wanted something more than just a married man making empty promises to her. So Frank had to go. Hello, Donald. Donald was military- a practical choice. He was the kind of man that her father would be proud to call son-in-law. And oh the romance- Margaret adored him! She would ask how high to his every "jump". But really, Margaret, was it so practical for Donald to continue to see other woman even after you were married? He was just not good enough for her. The practicality overruled the romance, and once again Margaret suffered for it.

Now this time…. Practicality would suggest that Margaret stay away from Hawkeye. They're too different from each other. They might argue; Lord knows they've had their share of fights in the past. She likes structure; he's anything but. He loves to look at the ladies. She needs a man to give her constant attention. But he's the one who goes to any length to make sure people are giving him attention! Sure, she knows she's too loud. But isn't he too loud when he goes around singing and making constant jokes?

Most people would say that these are reasons for a couple to not be together. In fact, these are the same reasons that Hawkeye and Margaret themselves decided against a relationship. But that was then….before she realized how much she loved him. Before she realized how much she stood to lose by letting him go without telling him she loves him. She's lost men that she thought loved her. Once they were gone she didn't put up a fight….they weren't worth fighting over. But this one is different than any man she's ever met. She's decided it's time to go against her inner instincts and stand up and fight for what she believes in. And what she believes in is Hawkeye Pierce.


	3. Chapter 3

In the course of 24 hours, Margaret had managed to alienate herself from her two closest friends at the 4077, Charles Winchester and Hawkeye Pierce. Margaret closed her eyes and thought of the recent events. She was angered by both men's stubbornness, although she couldn't see the reflection of her own behavior. After packing, she had given in to her migraine and slept it off. After an hour, she woke up, still hurt, still seething over the hurt both men had caused her.

What started over a retrieved book turned into a battle over words with Charles. His wounded pride instilled a need for him to inflict pain upon Margaret. And she reacted in the only way she knew how. She rehashed the past with an old argument over his lack of sterility in the operating room. Of course she was right, and she had to bring it up. Anyhow that had led to a heated argument which was quite draining if truth be told. But she wasn't going to let their friendship end this way. It was time to call a truce with both men, starting with Charles. Hopefully he wasn't in the tent, as she wasn't ready to deal with Hawkeye quite yet. After brushing her hair, she made her way out the door.

She walked over to the mess tent, where he was still conducting the musicians.

"Charles, may I speak with you for a minute?" she walked up to him.

He shrugged his shoulder out of annoyance. "Back again? Haven't you had enough? I certainly have!"

"I don't want to fight. Please," she pushed his hand down gently. "I only want to talk. It's important to me. I don't know if we'll have another chance."

"For the record, I did not touch my nose. I am always the model of sterility."

"You did touch your nose! I saw you!"

"How dare you question my judgement? I.."

"You did, you did, you did."

"Why on earth would I do such a thing?"

"Because you have a nasal obsession. You are possessed. You cannot help yourself. You simply cannot resist touching your nose. You.."

"Margaret, if you came here to rehash this argument you are wasting your, and my time. I must ask you to leave. I am a very busy man. I have better things to do than defend myself against baseless accusations."

The female major sighed in frustration. "Look, Charles. I didn't come here to argue. Au contraire, I..I just wanted to let you know that I feel bad about what happened earlier."

"By continuing the argument? I must say you have a strange way of apologizing."

"I am not apologizing! I have done nothing to apologize for. I helped you because I thought you deserved that job. You're a fine surgeon and it's not fair that you were overlooked for reasons that had nothing to do with your skills. So what if I placed a telegram? What's the big deal? I'd think you'd be a bit more grateful. I didn't land you the job. You did. All I did was lend a hand. A little less attitude and a lot more gratitude would go a long ways. I don't see where it would kill you to be a little bit …just a little bit…thankful for those who show you a little bit of kindness. If I've learned anything in this place it's that no man is an island. Say what you want but there's something to be said about being part of a team."

He looked at her, and for a minute she thought that she'd gotten through to him.

"Are you quite finished, Major?"

"Aggh. You are impossible!" she shrieked.

"Likewise. Now if you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to."

"Blow your business out your wazoo!"

With that, she stormed off into the unusually warm day.

0000000000

Once again, she managed to twist a conversation into a fight.

_This isn't my fault. Charles is just too hard-headed. I give up. He can keep his book and his job for all I care. I've got bigger problems to deal with._

That bigger problem was Hawkeye Pierce. For a long time she had put off dealing with her feelings, but now there was no way she could avoid them. Loving him was more difficult than she would have liked it to have been.

_Love? Is this what it is? I know that I care for him…but do I love him? That sounds so strange...how could any woman in her right mind allow herself to fall in love with Hawkeye Pierce? After all, he's a man on the go, a confirmed bachelor, happy to come and go as he pleases. I've tried this before and look where it got me. He made it perfectly clear he didn't want what I wanted. I wanted safety and the comfort of a man who wanted me for who I am. I don't want to be jerked around and I don't want empty promises. I've been through that before. _

Most of all Margaret wanted to be true to herself. The heart wants what it wants, and in this case it wants a dark haired surgeon from Crabapple Cove. If she could survive the war, certainly she could handle a conversation with the man she longed to be with. The hard part would be the initiation. How would she begin? What would she say? Was there ever a right way to tell a friend that you've fallen in love with them? There was only one way to find out. Margaret had to face her fears.

She wasn't normally gun shy when it came to men. When it came down to it she wasn't afraid to put her heart on the line for the man she loved.

_Lord knows I've given them everything I've had. Look at Frank. I gave him everything. Everything. I put my reputation on the line for that man. I did everything in my power to make it work. I would have waited forever for him if only he had given me the least little bit in return. But he took, like a thief who thought he'd never be caught. He took all I had to offer but gave nothing in return. And I was okay with that. And that was on me. Did I really stop and think about what that relationship was doing to me? Did I ever stop and think about how I was selling myself out, and for what…an hour of fun every now and then? A picnic that could only be held in secret, like some sort of backalley game, was nice…like a desert…but I deserved the main meal. And Frank could never be the main meal. I was okay sneaking around and playing games. I was okay knowing that everytime he made a phone call it was to his wife. I was okay watching him eagerly wait for his mail each week. And the sad part was that I really wasn't okay with it. I had convinced myself that I was. I'd become someone else for Frank. I swear I will never do that again. Oh did I watch him take those calls and read those letters. And not even ten minutes later it would be 'Oh Margaret Can I see you tonight? I want you, I need you, I can't live without you.' I watched him tell his wife how much he loved her and a half hour later I would kiss him. What kind of woman had I become? If I saw that woman on the street today I wouldn't recognize her. I changed for a man and I don't want to do it again._

_That's what scares me about Hawkeye. We talked about this before. He accused me of wanting to change him. But I don't want him to change me. He said that I'm vain. So I like to be told that I'm pretty….big stinking deal! He should have known that at that time I needed to hear it, especially after Donald had just called me 'sturdy'! So Hawkeye was wrong there. He doesn't know me well enough to know what I like and what I need. But I do. And maybe he's right. Maybe I am a bit vain. Maybe I do like to be told I'm pretty after all…that's not a crime. I will not…I refuse..to apologize for that! Maybe a long time ago I would have denied that that was important to me. But not anymore. If I talk to Hawkeye and this subject comes about then he needs to know that this is important to me. Like it or leave it. But I will not apologize for being me. _

_Hawkeye did say that he thought we were too different to make this work. I don't agree. I wonder if he feels the same way? Back then I was tired and confused. I had just found out that Donald was carrying on with another woman. I was in no way ready to fight for what I wanted. After what happened between Hawk and myself I knew what I wanted…I can't lie! I could see how wonderful we could be together. I felt the magic and it wasn't my imagination. He felt it too and I know he did. But the timing wasn't right. But is the timing right now? After tomorrow I may never see him again for as long as I live. This is my chance and I have to take it. I'm not Darlene. Darlene and Hawkeye would never have worked out but Margaret and Hawk just might. And there's only one way to find out._


	4. Chapter 4

There is no way to prepare for a conversation like this. Confronting one's feelings is difficult enough without adding on the complication of bringing another party into them. Admitting you care is not a step to be taken without absolute certainty, and Margaret had certainly been giving the subject much consideration. 'I love you' is not a panacea to one's realization but rather the beginning, the opening to a floodgate. It is a simple statement of honesty, genuflection, and truth.

Margaret Houlihan sat on the edge of her cold, indifferent cot, the one she'd come to know so well during the course of her life in the war. The cool air hit her face, forcing her to stay in the moment. Her hands were shaking, and not due to the temperature. She licked her dry lips out of habit, not due to their dryness. She ran her fingers through her long platinum hair, separating the strands between her fingers. A deep, soft sigh escaped her lips. She closed her eyes and ran her hand over the dress that lay across her lap, a pale blue chiffon number she'd borrowed from Klinger. On the other side of the bed lay a crimson knee length gown, depending on the effect she was going for. She would certainly get Hawkeye's attention with the crimson dress. But the blue dress was softer, more feminine. He would be forced to pay attention to her in that light, and that was the exact effect she was going for. But the crimson dress would give her the confidence to say what she needed to say. Oh…this wasn't going to be easy. If there was only someone she could trust and get their opinion…..maybe there was one person!

She sat the dresses on the bed and, after taking a few deep breaths, she walked over to the clerk's office.

"Klinger! Thank goodness you're in here. I need your help. Right now." She bellowed. "Are you busy? No…" she didn't wait for a response. "Come with me."

Klinger sighed and got up to follow Margaret. He knew better than to protest.

"I'll be right back, Soon-Li." He promised his fiancée. "I promise."

"Major," he asked as they walked outside. "I don't mean to be disrespectful but I'm trying to make some phone calls. We're looking for Soon-Li's family."

"And you'll make your calls. I just need your expert opinion. I'm going to try on two dresses and I need your opinion." She said as they arrived to her tent. "Wait outside."

After a minute she stepped outside in her crimson gown, and she piled her hair in a very loose bun. She walked out.

"Major!" Klinger did a double take. "Wow, Major! You look terrific! That dress looks just aces on you! I don't know where you're going in that but you'll be the queen of the ball for sure. The men will be eating out of the palm of your hands for sure."

"You really think so?" Margaret smiled in spite of herself.

:"Think so, I know so! Look at you….you look radiant. Don't demote me for saying so, Major. You did ask for my opinion."

Margaret laughed. "That I did. Now give me a few minutes. I have one more dress to try on. Stay right there."

"Going nowhere." Klinger mumbled as the Major shut the door to her tent.

Once she walked out in her blue dress, she was greeted with a smile. "Now that's nice."

"Nice?" she huffed. "Nice!" she walked over and stood nose to nose with the company clerk.

"That's the best you can say is that I look nice?" her voice had now officially raised an octave.

"Yes, you look nice! What's wrong with that! You look pretty. I don't see what's so bad with that." The exasperated Lebanese clerk cried out in frustration. "You do look nice."

"I don't want to look nice! " Her voice continued to crack with increased emotions. "I want you gone! Gone!" She waved at him.

"Look, Major, can I say something to you without you getting offended?" Klinger asked humbly as he waited for her to nod her head.

"I'm not so sure as to why the dress bothered you. The red dress was amazing…I don't know what you need a dress for but believe me…that first dress will accomplish anything you need it to. I wouldn't lie to you. You gotta trust me."

Margaret considered his words for a minute. Could he be right? Could the crimson dress accomplish what she wanted it to? First she had to know exactly what she wanted it to do.

She nodded her head to dismiss Klinger, then sat back down in her tent. She thought some more about what Klinger had said.

The dress would certainly catch Hawkeye's eye. But would he respect her? She wanted-no needed- more than his attention. He was capable of paying attention to only what the woman was wearing. And tonight she wanted to be seen, truly seen for who she really was. Maybe she was selling him short. Maybe he wasn't that shallow that he wouldn't listen to her if she asked him to. Could it be she's getting ready to set herself up for failure the way she's done in the past? Her expectations are that he's going to be an animal and now she's ready to deal with that animal. The problem was, how was the real Margaret to be heard in between the fronts the two people were going to be putting on? Someone had to break first. And for the first time, Margaret realized that that person was her.

It wasn't about breaking. It was about surrender. It wasn't about giving up. It was about willingness to concede that the other person may have a point. If left to her own natural devices she would expect Hawkeye to read her mind and to not act like himself for a minute. And of course, when that didn't happen she would resent him and lash out at him. But tonight had to be different. She couldn't predict the outcome of the night. She didn't have that ability. But what she did have was the willingness to try to do whatever it takes to be heard. And if it meant a little less talk and a lot more listenting, than she could do it.

Margaret didn't have a plan, which scared her to death. She didn't know what she was going to say or how she would say it. The only thing she was certain of is that she loved Hawkeye Pierce and that she would regret it for the rest of her life if she didn't tell him so. Just for tonight she could let go of the need to control the outcome. She could let go of the need to predict what he would say and how he would say it. Sure, it would be a safe bet to say he'd mask his feelings under a direct line of rapid jokes. But tonight she could challenge herself to see past them and see him, to see what he's really telling her. The jokes will be telling, of course. Don't assume, just listen.

Margaret changed back into the crimson dress, and brushed her hair down. She expertly applied her makeup. The hint of love had blended in with the cosmetics and she looked absolutely glowing. Whatever insecurities she had, they remained inward. Outwardly she had never looked better. Her emotions were stirring up rapidly, almost as if she could barely have time to pick just one to let herself feel. Just for the moment, she decided to allow herself to feel serene. She looked good, she was in love, and she was capable. Not sturdy, but capable. With the calming affect of the confidence of her looks Margaret decided it was time to go find Hawkeye Pierce. It was time for a talk, after all.


	5. Chapter 5

Looking every bit a woman in her red dress, Margaret set down her brush and left the safety of her tent. She threw her jacket on blotted her lipstick, then reapplied it once more. Perfect.

_No sense in calling me Hot Lips if I can't take advantage once in awhile._

It was now sunset and she opened the door to her tent. Once she left she was immediately greeted with catcalls from a passing soldier.

"You'd better button it if you want to make it back home in one piece, buster!"

"It wasn't me, maa'm." greeted the man with the death wish.

"Stuff it." She said with a smile as she walked towards the Swamp.

Finally. The moment of truth was here. Was it unfair what she was about to spring on him? But she knew she would never have this opportunity again, and she would regret it with everything in her if she didn't take it. Freedom was right around the corner..you could hear it in the air and taste it on your lips. She felt sorry for Hawkeye, not having a chance to say goodbye to his best friend. But who could begrudge B.J the chance to leave the second he possibly could?

It was time.

Breathe.

"Enter." Called Hawkeye in a sing-song voice.

His jaw dropped when he saw Margaret. "Yowza. Hubba Hubba."

"Oh can you be serious?"

"I can be serious. Seriously in love. Seriously. Why don't you take off your jacket and stay awhile?"

She nodded then handed him her jacket. The dress had had its desired effect. His eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. Perfect start.

"Hawkeye, we need to talk."

"When you waltz in here looking like a million and a half bucks we can talk about anything you like! I'm all ears. And heart." He placed his hand over his heart for dramatic effect and fell to his cot.

Heart….this was going to be harder than she thought.

"So…how are you?"

"I'm doing much better now." He grinned as he sat up. "So what brings me the honor? Can I get you a drink? I'm running a special. Half-off." He pointed to his shirt. "And the drinks are on sale too."

"I think I'll ignore that. A drink would be just fine."

"Want to go to the officer's club? If memory serves me right you cut a mean Lindy Hoppe. Then again…" he walked over to her. Hawkeye took her hands and stood dangerously close to her. He grabbed one hand, placed one hand behind her back, and began to dance with her.

"Music is overrated." He whispered in her ear, his breath warm breath tracing against the side of her face.

" Hawkeye…" she closed her eyes. The smell of men's cologne permeated the air like the fragrance after the rain. The knowledge that Charles could walk in on them crossed her mind and for a minute she didn't mind. It wasn't the Lindy Hoppe but rather a slow and lingering dance that the two of them shared for a few minutes until Margaret's nerves got the better of her.

"I..can't. I'm sorry." She finally pulled back, touching his chest one last time. "It's not you. It's Charles."

"Charles?" He broke out in laughter. "What does he have that I don't? Is it his luxurious head of hair? His soft supple skin? I know, it must be his radiant glow first thing in the morning."

"Oh stop it." She chuckled. "You know what I mean. "I hardly think that it would be appropriate if he were to walk in on us… dancing…you know what I mean so you can wipe that simple grin off of your face."

"Simple? I'm offended. If we can't dance than shall we sit? He nodded towards the chairs. "Although I'm afraid they might be a bit dusty and I wouldn't want to take a chance on getting your dress dirty. Why don't you take my bed? It may be a bit rusty but it's not dirty." He grinned.

She obliged, rolling her eyes at him.

"I suppose you're wondering why I'm dressed up."

"The thought crossed my mind. Not that I mind. I can't tell you enough how sexy you look." Hawkeye looked approvingly at her.

"I wanted to talk to you. About us." There. She said it. He looked as stunned as she thought he would.

"I'm afraid I don't follow?"

"Hawkeye, I've been doing some thinking. About the war. About going home. And about you. Mostly about you. I know this is utterly unfair to spring this on you but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't get this off my chest. We've been through a lot, Pierce. I know that we haven't always gotten along. But when we did…Maybe you've forgotten about our night together."

"No…of course I haven't."

"Please…" she put her hand in the air. "Let me finish. This is hard enough. I know we had one hell of a time in this war. You've been there for me when I needed a friend. What's more is you've been there when I needed to cry. I never let anyone see me cry. Do you know how hard it is for me to let anyone see me, the real me?"

Hawkeye nodded." I know, Margaret." He said tenderly. "And that means something to me. That means a lot. To know that you let your guard down around me really glad I could help. I know how hard it is for you to let your feelings show. And to know you can be yourself around me-at times- well, that makes me feel good."

"Well it's not easy you know. I can't trust just anyone. And it's not like you made it easy for me to trust you. After our night together I thought that maybe we had a future. I thought that you cared for me."

"I do care for you! Maybe more than I should have. And I just couldn't give you what you needed. You needed someone who could give you one hundred percent. And you deserve that. You should never settle for that. I saw you time and time again going for men who were beneath you. Don't get mad, that came out wrong. But about you and me…the timing was wrong."

She saw her opening. "But what about now?" she asked gently.

Hawkeye was genuinely caught off guard. Was she asking what he thought he thought she was?

"I can see you weren't expecting that."

"I can honestly say I wasn't. I don't know what to say."

"Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I've been doing some thinking and I realized that I would be lying to myself and to you if I didn't tell you how I feel. And what I feel is more than friendship." She stood up and started to walk away.

Hawkeye said nothing.

_No_, she thought. _It's not going to be like this. I didn't go to all this trouble just to chicken out. If I'm going to make a fool out of myself I'm going to go first-class._

So she did what came naturally. She turned back around and kissed him. Passionately.

He didn't protest.

"


	6. Chapter 6

Margaret leaned her body against Hawkeyes, as she continued the kiss. She ran her fingers through his hair while his hands roamed her backside. This was no ordinary kiss of curiosity or passiveness. This kiss served to ignite a spark in both parties, to see if both parties were interested in taking the next step. No, not the next step in pursuing their mutual physical attraction. The first step had been Margaret admitting that she wanted more than friendship from Hawkeye. And then she kissed him. She needed to find out what that kiss meant to him. Did he share her feelings? Or would it be a cop-out and an attempt to turn the romantic gesture into something cheap and meaningless? Either way, Margaret was prepared. She had been through this scenario in her head and was ready for whatever was about to happen. Usually she knew that Hawkeye liked to think he was in control of the women in his arms. But he had another thought coming if he thought he could dominate Margaret Houlihan in any manner.

Finally she pulled back from the fevered kisses, sliding her hand seductively down the front of his shirt as she pulled away. Hawkeye raised his eyebrow and grabbed her hand and attempted to bring it to his lips.

"Uh-Uh." She smiled as she wrested her wrist away from him. "Not so fast, Pierce."

"Not a problem. We can go slower." He grinned as he pulled himself back over to her, to which she responded by shoving him over to his cot.

"Playing hard to get? I must say Margaret that I find this side of you appealing. Come to think of it I find every side of you quite appealing."

"Are you finished?" She said sternly.

He said nothing, although he looked quite puzzled.

"Good. Because I'd like to talk."

"Talk! I don't think it's a fine time to talk after you drive a man to distraction and then you tell him you just want to talk! Margaret that's not fair!"

"So you're saying it's not possible for us to have a conversation without getting distracted?"

"No, that's not what I said!" he protested." I don't understand what happened back there? One minute we're kissing….and you are one hell of a kisser….and the next thing I know you're giving me the old 'we need to talk' speech." I'm confused."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to confuse you. But I did mean to kiss you. Are you mad at me?"

He looked at her and shook his head and smiled. "No. But you don't play fair."

"I play to win."

"What are you aiming to win, pray tell?"

"Us. I want us. I had a taste of it and we weren't ready for it. But I'm ready and I need to know if you're ready. Or if you even feel the same way."

Hawkeye drew in a deep breath but said nothing. So Margaret spoke instead.

"Don't humor me. I can take it. Just don't lie to me. I won't lie to you., I'll tell you anything you want to know but I won't lie. And I expect the same from you. And I'll know it if you lie. We're both adults. We both know the score. I don't want any games, any drama, nothing. I just want to be able to live with myself. And you're a big part of that. I can count on you to be honest, I know I can. I am asking you to set aside your cheesy jokes if you can. Please listen to me. That's all I'm asking. I know that the jokes are part of you…I am not asking you to change. I'm just asking you to set aside the jokes so we can be real with each other. You know how I have my masks. I can get mean and defensive and push people away. Well you joke and can keep people from knowing you in the same way. So what I'm asking is for us to just be real. Drop the defenses. Truce?"

Her eyes sparkled as they met his. There was no way he could deny her request, as much as he wanted to. She was right; his first reaction was to make a joke but he quickly shut his mouth. If she was humbling herself before him then certainly he could meet her halfways. But the minute she got defensive with him the jokes would certainly fly.

:"Truce". He shook her hand.

:"So, Hawkeye, do you know why I'm here?" She asked as she pulled up in the chair.

"No, take the bed. I'll sit in the chair."

"Ok. Well…do you?" She involuntarily licked her lips, which was driving him crazy.

"I understand that your feelings for me have changed."

Her heart sunk. He hadn't added anything to that, so maybe he didn't feel the same way.

_No, Margaret…stay with the game plan. Don't presume anything. Tell him how you feel. Give him the opportunity to talk. You don't know how he feels…he may not know how he feels. Jumping down his back certainly won't help him sort out his feelings. Now is a good time to keep my wits about me._

"Yes, Hawkeye, they have. When I think about going home and never seeing you again, well, I feel sick. I can't explain it. But I cannot imagine my life without you in it. You've become part of me. I can't say for certain when it happened, or how. All I know is that it has happened and now you're leaving. And I don't know what I'm going to do! And I'm scared."

"Margaret Houlihan, scared? That will be the day. I've never known you to be scared of anything! Well except for loud noises."

"Well I'm scared of going my life and not knowing how to deal with these feelings that I have. I thought that I could just deny them, I could wait them out, I could just make them go away. But it turns out it doesn't work that way. And here I am making a fool out of myself telling you these things when I haven't a clue how you feel. But you know what?" She smiled.

"What's that?"

"I'm not doing this for you. Of course I know how I'd love for this to turn out. But I'm doing something I've never done before and I'm doing it for myself. I'm being honest about who I am and what I need and I'm not going to apologize for it. I hope you can deal with that. I'm still Hot Lips Houlihan. I'm still Margaret. I'm still me but I'm not taking all the crap that I've taken for such a long time!"

"Oh Margaret, I think that's wonderful! I always knew you were taking too much crap from the men in your life. Everyone could see that but you."

"Everyone? Who's everyone?"

"Not everyone. Maybe everyone that knew you. I knew you."

She took a deep breath, remembering that she didn't want to get defensive. This was the moment she'd been praying for and didn't want to jeopardize it by pushing Hawkeye away. "You could see I was making bad choices but you didn't say anything? Why?"

"It wasn't my place…But I didn't want you to be hurt, I hope you know that." He offered sincerely.

"I know that, Hawkeye. And that's one reason I ..care for you. You've let me make my own mistakes. I hate being told what to do, and you've never tried that with me. I appreciate that. More than you realize."

"Well I just try to treat you like a human."

"And you do. You treat me like I'm a human being with real feelings and real problems and real needs. Not too many people see me as a real person. You do. I don't know how you do it but you do. I think that's remarkable."

Hawkeye smiled. "I think you're remarkable. You act so offended when people see you as a human…don't get that offended look on your face—but it's true. But I know that that's what you need. Because you're a real human with real emotions and real needs. You're so busy worrying about the needs of those around you that you forget that you have your own needs. Don't think that I haven't noticed that. But when I try to heaven forbid intrude on your private world and try to meet some of those needs for you get so mad at me and you push me away! Heaven help the man who truly gets close to you."

If looks could kill, Hawkeye would be dead. But Margaret closed her eyes, and reaffirmed her decision to be completely open-minded, even if it would kill her. Hawkeye was talking, this was a good thing. Maybe.

"You mean you wanted to be close with me?"

"Plenty of times! But you always shut me down. Every time. Any time I'd get within a five mile-radius of that heart of yours I'd get shot down immediately upon entry. You may not have noticed but I did have feelings for you, Margaret."

Panic began to seize her as soon as she heard that past tense word. "Did….Did…What do you mean you did.?"

"That should make you feel good that I had feelings for you? But that was awhile ago. Now you're asking me how I feel…I don't know. That's the best I can tell you. I don't know how I feel about anything. I need time to think. I know I have feelings. I just don't know what they are."

"Oh yeah! I feel just like a queen! You tell me you used to have feelings for me but you don't any more. I feel just great. I go to all this trouble and I make a fool out of myself" her cheeks flushed beet red. "All for what…a guy that can't be bothered to think that he might have feelings for me? Well don't do me any favors, mister?"

With that, she grabbed her jacket and slammed the door shut, getting as far away from Hawkeye as possible.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I reposted due to a major gap in the story. I typed in Radar when I meant Klinger. Also this is AU since in this story B.J. has indeed left. Thanks to my readers for catching my errors!**

Margaret collapsed on her pillow after evading Hawkeye's attempt to return to him. He knocked on the door to her tent for a good ten minutes but she refused to acknowledge him. Normally she would have been petrified at the very thought of people watching him stand at her door, but what did she care, really? This was their last night.

_Let him play the fool._

Finally after she was certain he'd left she changed into a pair of slacks and a shirt. She looked sadly on the dress that she'd eagerly hoped would impress a certain doctor. Oh, it had alright. She could still taste his kisses on her lips. But now .

She couldn't let herself think about that now. Not with the farewell dinner to get through. She'd have the rest of her life to think about it. All she had to do was get through two more hours of Hawkeye Pierce.

OOOOOOOOOOOO

"Margaret!" Hawkeye pounded on the door one final time. She was just a few feet away from him but it may as have been miles as far as she was concerned. He sighed as recognized that Margaret had officially shut down. She didn't holler at him, although he wished she would have. That would been the least little bit of encouragement he needed to stand outside of her door. But she was giving him nothing. Is that how she was feeling? Did she walk away from him feeling that he'd given her nothing?

One more pound on the door. If only Margaret could hear this revelation!

"Please let me in. I have something to say. You'll like this. I promise. It's important. Please." He begged. He was working as hard as he could to get in between those walls and was getting no where. And she was still there, that was the damning part. She was in there, being Margaret, but she just had had enough of him. Wasn't this the way things always went between the two of them?

"Margaret…I know you're in there." He sang. "Come out come out wherever you are." Maybe if he asked nicely, maybe if he made her like him, maybe if he made her forget that she was even angry with him, then she could come out. Here he goes again, trying so be Hawkeye to get to Margaret. And it was the most complicated thing in the world. What's up with all of the pretenses and the roles? Will she like me if I play "Good Hawkeye"? Maybe if she doesn't like Good Hawkeye then Funny Hawkeye might appeal to her senses. If that doesn't work….there's got to be one part of him that she would respond to. She may be mad at most of him but if she could just find one part of him that she liked then maybe that would be a good place to start. The other Hawkeyes could come out slowly, not all at once. Right now she was shutting all of him down and he was running out of time! Its not time for Sincere Hawkeye simply because she's already angry and would shut him down in a second. Hawkeye's mind was working overtime trying desperately to figure out what man she needed him to be right now and he just couldn't tell, not with her locked in her tent. And so it dawned on him that he would get absolutely nowhere standing outside of her tent, and he sadly walked away. He walked over to the clerk's office.

"Klinger, I need your help. I need you to place a phone call to San Francisco. It's important."

"Aw jeez, I'm supposed to get ready for dinner! Why couldn't you have come by earlier in the day?" Klinger grumbled as he picked up the phone.

After a few minutes, Hawkeye was placed through to B.J. Hunnicutt.

"Beej? It's me. How are you?"

"Hawk, is that you? Do you have any idea what time it is? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. At least I think I am. Listen I have to ask you something." Hawkeye placed his hand over the receiver and motioned for Klinger to leave.

".am I mysterious and confusing? If you were a girl would you date me:?" Hawkeye asked as he sat down.

B.J. laughed. "No I will not date you. You're not a blond. But you're not confusing and mysterious at all!"

"Gee thanks. I mean…am I those things….to a girl?"

B.J. thought about it for a minute."You mean to tell me you're worried about what a woman thinks of you? When did this happen and who…..ohhhhh."

"What, what is that ohhh about.?"

"I've only known you to come to me and ask me about one woman's opinion before. I think that is is the same woman who has gotten you sweating bullets. You're wondering about what she sees in you! And you're sweating because you care, more than you like to admit to. Say no more."

:"You're not supposed to know about this! But I'm torn in knots. She came to me, oh gosh, she looked amazing. I couldn't even think straight! She said some things to be about having feelings but I wasn't paying that much attention to what she was saying. And then you wanna know what she did? She kissed me!"

B;J. grinned from ear to ear. "Did you say Hot Lips laid one on you?

"I'll say she did. It was an amazing kiss. She looked so good, she smelled so good….I kissed her back. And then she stopped me to say that we needed to talk. I gotta say that wasn't so cool in my book but I didn't let on. I was willing to talk even though my mind was no where ready to talk. This is where the bad timing line would apply to our conversation. I wasn't quite sure I was on the same page she was on. She talked about what had happened between us before, and that she was looking for that now. She says she's scared of her feelings for me, Beej. She says that she doesn't know what she'll do without me in her life. And on the inside I was freaking out. Margaret…scared…and it had something to do with my feelings. So I didn't really jump in the conversation the way I should have. I didn't tell her that I'm scared of my feelings for her. She has no clue that I feel the exact same way she does. So she's the one with the courage to lay it out on the line and I'm just the one too scared to say anything. And so she hates me now. She's locked herself up in that tent of hers and she refuses to do anything with me. She did something I only dreamt of having the nerve to do and she saw right through me. She saw the scared little kid and now that's where we're at. She hates me."

"Well, Hawk, you see her being her stubborn unreasonable self not giving an inch…she's being Margaret right now, right? And she saw you being a scared little kid…so she saw you being Hawkeye at times. The thing is with love, you don't just get to pick and choose which parts of a person you love. If you love them, you love them all. I wish she was here so I could give her this same lecture. If you could keep loving her now, knowing she's acting like this, what would you do?"

"Well I might try to talk to her…maybe after dinner…give her some space for a little while."

"And that will give you enough time to decide if you even love her. It's okay if you don't, you know."

"Don't get mad at me. I'm not the one you have to convince that you're in love."

"Thanks." Hawkeye muttered.

"Glad to help. I've gotta run before I wake Peg up. She has a big day tomorrow. But listen….I'm glad you called. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye because there just wasn't enough time. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I wouldn't have made it through Korea if I hadn't have found you. I really wish I could have been there for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't. I hope you understand."

"Well, you mean a lot to me too. Don't worry about me. Anyways I guess this is it. I'll give you a call after I make it back to the states."

"Sounds good. Take care of yourself."

And with that, Hawkeye hung up the phone and strengthened his resolve. He would find a way to talk to Margaret after dinner. He just couldn't bring himself to admit that it was over between them. It couldn't be. After everything he'd been through he'd learned not to plan the future too far in advance. And Margaret being Margaret, there was no way to predict how she'd react. But he'd never forgive himself if he didn't give it one last try.


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you for the reviews, I appreciate them.:)

Hawkeye sadly looked after Margaret, knowing he would have to go after her. There was no way he could let her walk away now. He knew how he felt but for some reason he just couldn't express what she meant to him. Why couldn't she understand? Why did she have to put him on the spot? Of course there was urgency, there was no doubt. And now it was up to him to decide whether or not to make things right. Is this the way things should end, with her hating him? Maybe she was right. Maybe it was time for the both of them to own up to their feelings and decide to take a chance.

_I've been avoiding this day for too long. It makes me nervous, thinking about what could be happening between us. But it makes me more nervous thinking about what could happen if I lose her. She makes me crazy and I don't know whether I'm coming or going. All I know is that I'm going crazy thinking about holding her. I have to stop this madness. I have to make this right._

Hawkeye sat back down on the side of his bed and put his hand on his forehead. He was confused, not knowing if he should go after her or not. On one hand he knew he didn't have anything to lose. On the other he didn't want her to hate him. Actually he was more afraid that she would take him back. He thought back to his conversation with B.J. after his night with Margaret all those nights ago. B.J. had pointed out that maybe Hawkeye was scared that he felt something for her. And he was right. He was scared then just like he was now. The question was what was he going to do about it.

00000000000

Margaret sank back down on her bed. He did it again. Hawkeye made a fool out of her, she fumed. How could she let him do it? Suddenly she felt old, too old for the game she found herself playing. She should have known he wasn't interested in a relationship. Everyone knew that wasn't his style. What made her think she could change him? She prided herself in the fact that she wasn't naïve.

_They say love is blind, and I certainly believe it. It's a good thing I'm leaving tomorrow. I certainly could never face him again. He's come to mean so much to me, more than just friends. And this is the way it ends? _

Even though he broke her heart, her heart sank at the knowledge she would never see him again. Just because he didn't feel the same way didn't mean she could switch off her emotions. Life could be so cruel.

00000000000

Hawkeye got off the bed where he made his way to her tent.

"Margaret, it's me. Let me in."

"Go away." She hollered as she dried her eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I said go away."

"I mean it. Let me in."

"No."

He began to sing a song from an opera.

She opened the door and gave him a dirty look. "Get in here, you cretin."

"Thanks. That means a lot."

"What do you want.? I'm busy. I have to finish packing, not that I owe you an explanation."

"It looks like you're already packed."

. "I suggest you state your business and then get out. I'm very busy."

"Look, Margaret, about what happened…"

"I don't want to talk about it." She turned away from him.

He placed his hand on her shoulder. "But I do. You see, I don't know what happened back there. I got scared. When you told me that you loved me I just wasn't sure what I felt. I guess I always knew how I felt but I didn't want to admit it to anyone. Most of all myself. You see I have feelings, too."

She narrowed her eyes. "Are you trying to say.."

"I'm trying to say I love you too."

"Oh Hawkeye. She grinned and she wrapped her arms around him. But he didn't return the embrace.

"Don't you know what this means? I can resign my commission. We can start a new life away from this awful place and we don't ever have to mention the word war again. I know it will be a change but I can get a job in Maine and…"

"No, Margaret…you don't understand. It's not that easy." Hawkeye sighed. "I do love you. But I can't let you quit the army. It's your life. You wouldn't be happy otherwise."

Her jaw dropped as she registered what he was saying.

"I want to be with you but I can't- I won't-hold you back. You would hate me for it and I would hate myself for it. I want to be with you but not like this. It's not right."

Hawkeye surprised himself. That's not what he went there intending to say. But it was the truth. He could never live with himself if Margaret gave everything up to be with him.

"Maybe if you don't re-enlist…."

"I don't believe you!" she slapped him across the face. "You tell me you love me but you won't be with me! How dare you! What a cop-out! You have some nerve coming to my tent just to insult my intelligence. I love you, Pierce. I wouldn't just quit for anyone. I would have my nursing. Don't you think I know what I'm doing? Don't you think I would be happy doing that? I'm sick and tired of the army. Don't you sit there and tell me what's best for me."

"Margaret…maybe I'm wrong. Believe me I'm sure I would be happy with you. But I just think you'd be making a mistake."

"Is that so?"

He nodded.

"Well let me tell you something, buster. I'd rather take a chance and make a mistake than spend my life hiding behind some lame excuses like some scared little boy."

"I'm not being scared, I'm being practical."

"Scared!" She said as she edged towards him.

"Practical!" he edged towards her.

"Scared!

"Practical. Mmm' he said as he kissed her.

And they kissed. Their kisses turned passionate and soon they made love. Afterwards he held her under her blanket on her bed.

"I suppose we'd better get going. They're expecting us for dinner." Hawkeye commented.

"So you think they'd notice if we weren't there?" Margaret joked.

He kissed her. "We'll talk afterwards, okay?"

"I don't suppose you've changed your mind?"

"Are you sure you want to quit?"

Margaret nodded. "Absolutely. I wouldn't offer if I weren't positive. I've worked hard enough to make up my own mind. If you don't agree I'm going to resign anyways. So you might as well say yes. This is what I really want. I meant what I said. I love you and I want to be with you."

He thought about what she said. "I wouldn't want you to give up your career for me."

"I'm doing it for me. I need a change. I'm taking a chance on something I believe in. I told you before-and I meant it-that I believe in myself. Now whaddya say?" she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

Hawkeye grinned. "What the heck. I've always been a sucker for a blond in uniform. I love you, Margaret Houlihan and I can't imagine my life without you. And I really don't want to try."

And now he didn't have to.

The end


End file.
